A Refreshing Viewpoint

This was such a wonderful encouragement regarding future fears and questions our children will have. It is a refreshing perspective that we should hear more often.

Adoptive parents can be trouble by these kinds of questions. We want to be honest but not give our children information they are not ready to absorb. We want to speak just the right words to soothe any unsettledness they may be feeling, and we want to answer their questions while also protecting their emotional security.
In the same seasons as the questions came from my son, I woke up one night to the sounds of a storm. Wind and rain pummled the house, shrieking and battering. It sounded bitterly cold. I was glad to be snuggled under a warm blanket in a well heated home. As I lay awake, sheltered from the wailing tumult outside, I thought about Benjamin's (my sons) questions and my own. Are these the beginning of an identity crisis? What kind of anxiety will our boys' adoptions bring them? How will it surface? Will they grieve because of their past? How can I best sheperd and love them through these questions and anything that worries them later?
It is comforting to lie safe in a warm, dark room wile a storm rages outside. The Blankets feel especially cozy; so does the presence of love ones safe under the roof together. My thoughts drift from the storms to adoption and back. My sons may someday be assailed by other kinds of storms, tempests of doubts and grief. Questions may batter against them. But we cam bear those storms is we encounter them while safe in a strong shelter. I can listen to the questions as I listen to the wind this night, knowing what sounds menacing does not have the power to harm. We can endure a fearsome storm if our shelter is strong.
Adoptive families of the past, encouraged by their social workers, tried to keep out the storms by conceiling theur children's backgrounds...Children might not be told of their adoptions until they were teenagers or adults or sometimes not at all. It was thought best to give adopted children a blank slate in which to begin their new life. Denying the storms might have increased their devastation when they did strike.
Now adoption professionals encourage us to talk about our childs past often and in as much detail as possible. The assumption is that there will be menacing storms, as we are encouraged to tell our children to let them come; maybe even to stand out in them. Some suggest that we ask leading questions to explore things that may be troubling them, that we tell them in advance that they may sometimes feel confused or angry.
But each childd, teenager, and adult is unique. Some are settled in their identity and feel no battering from unresolved questions. Some eperience a passing shower, mild curiosity that is easily resolved. Others are slammed hard with frightening questions and doubts. If we insist that our children will have pain and identity confusion, when some of them really may not, might that not also increase the potential power od the storms in their lives?
What if we focus not on the storm, but on the refuge? As I lie in bed, I am thankful for my walls and roof. As we sheperd our children, we can draw them with us into places protected by the walls and roof of God. He calls himself refuge, stronghold, shield, fortress, and tower - each of which suggests the same comforting shelter as a warm house during a night of storm. "I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. (Ps.18:1-2). We can hide in God. We can enjoy his presence as he shelters us through the storms of our lives.
"He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge." (Prv 14:26). What a wonderful verse for adoptive parents! Right now my faith in the Lord is the refuge of my children. They are safe in upheaval because of my relationship with God. We do not need to deny or ignore the storms, not do we need to stand outside and expect them to harm us. These children share a home with us, their parents. We share a physical shelter and we share a refuge of faith. Together we listen to the storms, if they come, while together abiding in the stronghold of God. We do not need to try to conceal the storms. We can acknowledge them. But we experience the threats of wind and thinder together from a safe place.
Later, we hope the refuge of faith that shields our children will be their own...We hope our children will know that God's protection is stronger than any storm might frighten them. Perilous tempests will prove the strength of the refuge and make it even more cherished by those safe inside.
I need not fear the storms that may threaten my children. I need not have all the right answers in fearful times. I only need to be with them in the fortress, to put God between them and the storm. That God is my refuge IS the answer for my children.

Carried Safely Home by Kristin Swick Wong; Pg.158-160